Stop saying ‘don’t cry’—to raise confident, emotionally intelligent kids, use these 5 phrases instead

It's earthy to privation to comfortableness a kid erstwhile they're crying. When parents spot their kid hurting physically oregon emotionally, they often privation to bash thing successful their powerfulness to halt their heartache. 

As a dual certified kid beingness specializer and therapist, I've heard parents and adjacent wellness attraction workers telling kids "don't cry" portion wiping distant their tears during aesculapian procedures and different difficult moments. 

It comes from a spot of wanting to hole the wounded and marque it each better. But it tin marque kids consciousness similar their emotions and tears aren't okay, particularly erstwhile they're successful symptom oregon distress. 

Instead, effort to validate kids' feelings and assistance them consciousness harmless and supported expressing their emotions and tears. Use these 5 alternatives:

This helps kids cognize and judge that their acquisition is existent and it's natural.

Staying with kids done their accent conveys the connection that their feelings don't scare you, that you tin handle the hard moments with them, and that they tin trust connected you for real-time support, adjacent erstwhile it's hard oregon uncomfortable. 

You whitethorn not ever cognize precisely wherefore a kid is crying oregon recognize their absorption to the situation. Validation doesn't needfully mean agreement; it means, "I spot you and I judge you." 

One mode to validate their acquisition is to simply bespeak backmost what you're seeing. Naming their emotion tin beryllium adjuvant for immoderate kids, but for others it tin beryllium upsetting if your statement doesn't lucifer what they're genuinely feeling. Try naming their behaviors oregon utilizing a much encompassing word specified arsenic "upset."

If kids hear, "don't cry," they mightiness construe that their effect doesn't lucifer the situation, erstwhile successful fact, it often does.

We privation kids to trust their feelings and to cognize that their tears marque consciousness for what they're experiencing, whether it's pain, fear, oregon isolation. Sometimes the behaviors volition beryllium retired of proportionality with the situation, but the underlying feelings are ne'er wrong. 

Parents often privation their kids to consciousness happy, but it's earthy to consciousness a scope of emotions including hard oregon uncomfortable ones. The extremity is not to halt the emotion but to help kids admit and negociate it.

Helping kids recognize that crying is not atrocious — and that it's perfectly earthy to consciousness sad, angry, lonely, oregon frustrated sometimes — reduces a consciousness of shame from immoderate antagonistic experiences. 

Lastly, it's important for kids to recognize that crying is simply a precise steadfast mode to merchandise emotions. Crying is coping and truthful is coloring, playing, talking, running, listening to music, and breathing. You tin assistance kids effort antithetic strategies and find the ones that enactment champion for them. 

Use tears arsenic a accidental to conscionable kids wherever they're astatine and assistance them enactment done challenges with assurance and connection. 

Kelsey Mora is a Certified Child Life Specialist and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who provides customized support, guidance, and resources to parents, families, and communities impacted by aesculapian conditions, trauma, grief, and mundane beingness stress. She is simply a backstage signifier owner, ma of two, the creator and writer of The Method Workbooks, and the Chief Clinical Officer of the nonprofit organization Pickles Group.

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